Friday, 4 August 2017

You're everything I never imagined and more

What is there to say? I can tell you for a fact that I spent every night whilst pregnant praying for a healthy child.  I could not have cared less for gender, looks or intelligence.  I just wanted a healthy child. 

I was always extremely aware of the risks throughout pregnancy and thereafter.  Maybe that's why I have been given a child with special needs and various medical conditions. Maybe I was far too aware of the risks, too cautious or too worrying.

I'll more than likely be looking for an answer indefinitely, but ultimately I will never know.

Honestly, I say I wouldn't change Oliver for the world. It's something all parents say isn't it? Regardless of whether your child has additional needs or not.  But I would change him.  I'd change him in a heartbeat. Does that make me a bad mum?  Does it make me selfish?  Quite possibly.  Most definitely.

Initially I think this feeling stemmed from fear.  Fear of the unknown or fear of my own failure or inadequacy to parent a child with additional needs.

Believe me, the guilt of feeling this way is punishment enough.  But I really would, I would give absolutely anything for him to be 'normal'.  For him to be able to experience the wonders of the world, to be able to make friends and laugh at jokes. To want to strive and succeed at something.  To sit around a dinner table and partake in conversation and eat food independently.  To live life to the fullest.  No limits.

I want him to have it all and I want him to have it now.

I want him to wake up tomorrow and say mum for the first time rather than grunt or squeal, and actually embrace me back when I pick him up.  I want him to actively plant a kiss on my cheek or intentionally grab my glasses from my face in jest.  I want him to look at me and for me to know undoubtedly that he knows I'm his Mumma and that he loves me. 

People tell me endlessly that the way he looks at me is different to others. I nod and smile and allow myself to indulge in this fantasy for a second.  Then I'll be on my own and reality sets in. He has no stranger awareness or separation anxiety. But he looks at me so lovingly and I become conflicted; then again he looks at everyone lovingly ...

Maybe it's a blessing that he is the way he is.  After all, the world becomes a crueler, merciless, more unforgiving place day by day.  He is blissfully ignorant.  Completely clueless.  Away with the fairies.

Nevertheless, he is happy.   Which I suppose is all any parent wants for their child and that is all that matters. Happiness.  So, I am thankful.  Truly and completely thankful for being blessed with the gift of motherhood and having a happy child who doesn't want for anything.

Oliver has made me a better and a more selfless person, I have found an inner strength I didn't even know existed.  I cannot thank him enough.

It's all for you my darling.

xo
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8 comments

  1. Good luck momma. I am sure you are doing an amazing job! And even though your job is more challenging than the average mommy your child is happy! And that is the most important thing and all any mother can wish for!

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  2. Hugs mama! I think it's hard to watch our children struggle so how much more so when everyday is a struggle. Thank you for sharing your story. It's so important to be able to talk about these things❤️

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  3. I don't think that makes you a selfish mom or a bad mom.... just a loving, NORMAL mom. We all want the best for our kids, and though we roll with the cards we are dealt, sometimes we wish those cards were better stacked in their favor. You are an honest mom, and obviously a loving one. Oliver is lucky to have you and I wish you the absolute best in your journey's forward.

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  4. This is a beautiful post! Thank you for sharing your heart. You are defiantly not a selfish or bad mom! To me you are amazing!! Raising children is hard as it is! And I believe only a good mom would want the best for her child. Sending love to you ❤️

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  5. You are so strong. Thank you for feeling these very personal thoughts with us. It's important that others can hear your story and know it's normal to have these thoughts. And congratulations on your happy child!!

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  6. Happiness is all that we can hope for. It is very brave of you to write the feelings you are having because you know you're not alone.

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  7. Great mommy, trust your gut

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  8. Oh this is just lovely. It is truly amazing the inner strength that you find after having children.

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